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June 13, 1996 Make room for Daddy: Mom's sacred parenting role leaves fathers in the dust By Marney Rich Keenan / The Detroit News As a new father of a 2-year-old daughter, Lex Kuhne, 33, takes issue with the way Father's Day is celebrated in his family. "I actually carped about it this year," he says. Traditionally on Mother's Day, Kuhne takes his wife and mother-in-law to a Mother's Day dinner at the Village Club in Bloomfield Hills. "It's always a nice celebration," says Kuhne, an attorney in Bingham Farms. "Well, this year, I read in the newsletter that they are having a special dinner for Father's Day. I asked my wife about going and she said casually, 'Well OK, if you want.' Let's just say it was not forefront in her mind the way Mother's Day is in mine." Neither experts nor parents nor florists nor Hallmark will argue that Father's Day pales in comparison to Mother's Day. On that second Sunday in May in which motherhood is sanctified, more long distance calls are placed in this country than any other day of the year, according to AT&T. (Christmas Day comes in second, Father's Day is a distant third.) Adding insult to injury, Father's Day ranks as one of the highest days in the year in which collect calls are made. "They figure Dad can pay for the call," says Dave Johnson, an AT&T spokesman, "but you wouldn't dare call Mother collect." Restaurant owners, whose businesses depend on Mother's Day the way Mexico depends on NAFTA, say promoting Father's Day hasn't worked. "We've tried doing special things in the past, but they go over like lead balloons," says Matt Prentice, owner of Unique Restaurant Corp., which operates 11 restaurants in Oakland County, including Sebastian's Grill and Deli Unique. "I guess it's because Dad's attitude is: 'I don't do brunch.' I golf.'" Prentice, a father of four, says he plans to celebrate his day playing 18 holes, then grilling in the backyard. "Mom's real big on getting the family together. Dad just wants to barbecue." "I call it the Rodney Dangerfield of holidays," says Michael Bernacchi, a marketing professor at University of Detroit Mercy and father of seven. "If we're celebrating parents, look at the fact that Mother's Day comes first on the calendar and we come in last. That's a profound statement in and of itself." For many fathers, however, the lackluster celebration is more indicative of a mother's bond with her children rather than a father's detacment. Larry Meyer says he is not bothered that he almost always gets new underwear for Father's Day while his wife receives gifts a tad more special, like jewelry. "There is just more of a sentimental attachment to mothers than fathers," says the vice-chairman of the Michigan Retailers Association. "Fathers are looked upon more as defenders, so it's really more of a day for her than mine is for me." Concurs Larry McDonnell, a long distance public relations consultant: "A phone call is nice, but in my own experience, Dad tends to be just as happy with a power tool or a six pack." Just why Father's Day plays second fiddle has much to do with how we regard fathers in our country as well as cultural tradition, experts say. Historically, Mother's Day in this country enjoys a much longer tradition than its counterpart. In 1914, a joint congressional resolution enacted Mother's Day as an official holiday, proclaiming: "Whereas the service rendered by the American Mothers is the greatest source of the country's strength and inspiration." But it wasn't until 1972 that the Nixon administration gave Father's Day the same status, proclaiming: "To have a father and to be father is to come very near to the heart of life itself." So much for being the country's greatest asset. "We put mothers on much higher pedestals in this country than fathers," says Ralph LaRossa, professor of sociology at Georgia State University and author of The Modernization of Fatherhood: A Social and Political History (Chicago Press). LaRossa blames the delay in honoring fathers on what he calls the politics of parenthood. "There's a sacredness associated with mothers that is not accorded to fathers," he says. "While one could make a convincing argument that fathers should be celebrated for being the defenders of the home and the primary economic provider, these holidays emphasize the domestic sphere, and Mom is still much more of an integral part of that sphere." And researchers say no matter how equally parents feel they've divvied up the labor of raising their kids, Mom is still held more responsible than Dad. "Time and time again, research has shown us that no matter how equitable parents think they are, they fall back into traditional roles because it's just plain easier," says Allen Jones, a professor of family studies at Miami University. "We've known that script for years, we're tired of arguing about whose turn it is and we fall back on what we know. Father does the work thing and Mother does the family thing. "Fathers today are sort of relief pitchers. When Mom needs a break that's when Dad is likely to step in. How do you honor a relief pitcher? It's almost like a second-rate holiday for that reason." Offering disparaging proof, David Warnick of the National Center for Fathering cites a recent Gallup poll his organization conducted asking Americans how they would respond to the statement: "I feel at peace with my father." Only 34 percent said they strongly agree. "To me, that indicates a great lack of depth in our relationships with our fathers," says Warnick. "That wasn't even asking whether the relationship is good or bad, just simply at peace. The bottom line is that adult Americans have been impacted by a lack of father involvement and, therefore, have ambivalent relationships with their father." The media portrayal of fathers doesn't do much to foster nurturing fathers, says Jones. "Fathers are hard pressed to find any good role models," he says. "At best, you have a Tim Allen who, in some ways, fumbles his way through parenting, as if he is somehow inept at it." Or you have Mrs. Doubtfire, which presents both good news and bad news, says Bernacchi. "The good news is here's this guy with a strong desire to be deeply attached to his kids. The bad news is he has to assume a woman's role to do it." Those portrayals, however, run counter to the many dads who either stay at home or work out of their home and participate fully in the care of the children. "I think both days are highly overrated," says Jonathon Simon, a Bloomfield Hills attorney who has an office at home and takes care of his 4-year-old son, Jacob. "Every day around here is Father's Day and Mother's Day. We don't need a day to focus on us as parents and pat each other on the back. It's a commitment we made the day Jacob was born."
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