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Of Orgies & Ornithopters
A genital Giant towers above the landscape, a rune of rampantry carved into the chalk of a Dorset hillside.
Many are the legends associated with Him and His origins are a mystery to most. But now, after hours of diligent research in the dusty and mendacious archives of Parasol, we can tell the true story of the rutting man of Cerne Abbas. 
Around the year 1499 the famed Italian polymath and all round good egg, Leonardo da Vinci made his one and only trip to the Great Hub of Parasol. Fearing persecution by an inquisitive papacy he travelled incognito and little of the jaunt is recorded in his notebooks. Of his hobnobbing with brolly-dwelling atheists and heretics there are but a few cryptic hints. Yet it was to prove a very fruitful exchange for both parties.
From us, Len, as we called him, learned the secret of the fourfold path of hydration, deep nasal siphoning and freddle thought projection. He delved deep into this exotic lore and was able to help us develop the famous alchemical photography process which he was later to use to fake the shroud of Christ as an impious two-finger to the Catholic Church.
From him we learned the secret of flapping flight, the mechanical archaeopteryx known as the Ornithopter.
Thus it was that the Parasol Order of Druids, becoming greatly enamoured of powered flight, transformed itself into the Parasol Association of Automatic Aeronauts.
And from our ranks there stepped a bold and fearless test pilot. His nerves were made out of steel, he was the right stuff, baby, the right stuff.
Grime Horncock was this Druid flyboy's name and it was he who caused the first sods to be cut from the chalk to frame the Giant.
"But why the unwieldy phallus?", you ask.
It is said that the Giant was carved after Grimes own image and many, since, have thrilled at the thought of his mighty member. However, Grime was a modest gent and, alas, the prodigious length of the Cerne Abbas lingam has a more mundane explanation- that it served as a launching ramp for the Ornithopternauts of yesteryear.
They would crank up their wooden birds like medieval siege engines, until the frames bent and bowed and the hempen fibres screamed for release. Then, with a hop, a skip and a leap, the intrepid aeronauts were catapulted from the end of the quivering runway like great ejaculations of elemental earth-juice.
One thing is for certain, it was Grime's fascination with leys, mystical resonances and the rhythms of the stars which caused him to align the Giant as a ground map of the constellation Viagra, ancient god of untamed desire.
Thus the figure's brolly, knees, right heel and, of course, appendage are aligned precisely with the five principle stars of Viagra as they would have appeared on 14th March 1602 (Annus Parasolvus 602) when the etching was completed.
The effects of precession and the tendancy of the hills to mince about a bit at night, mean that this projection no longer holds true. In any case, within a century, the Giant as a launch ramp / navigational tool / romping ground had largely fallen into disuse (not least because Holistic Brolly Flight had been discovered rendering the cumbersome Ornithopter obsolete.)
Thus it was that the Giant fell first into disrepair and then into the clammy hands of the seriously uptight Victorians who wasted no time in bowlderising its proud and manly form, shading the proud chap's astral runway and binding it to the hillside.
In so doing they neutered its subtle Viagran orientation and realigned it with the stars of Bromide.
Once again, time and stilt dancing have erased all traces of this awful desecration but now the giant is trapped in a limbo. An impotent state- unable to fly, unable to penetrate the cosmos.
Brothers and sisters- we most restore the old alignments forthwith!
All that is required is to lengthen His sky-seeder by 28 feet and 4 inches and to this end we will shortly be holding an all-comers, no-holds-barred, orgy upon the giant in order to arouse its latent chalk.
Our computers have calculated all the necessary permutations of couplings and triplings, angular momentum and escape velocities for the job in hand, so to speak, leaving nothing to chance.
But there is one tiny snag. We urgently need more limbs, torsos, tongues and slick-things than can currently be mustered from the depleted ranks of Parasol AAA.
So, if a flame-haired Parasolvite, with a lilting Teutonic voice, asks if you want to see her etchings, that will be Astrid and you know what she wants...
ii.Giant
The Cerne Abbas giant stands 180ft high and is formed by a trench a foot wide and the same depth, cut into the underlying chalk. His right hand originally held an enormous umbrella 145ft long. His erect penis and bulbous testicles we forgot to measure.
The figure is kept free from overgrowth by a scouring every seven years.
iii.Precession
Although the stars in the night sky might appear, to the casual observer, to be in fixed position they do in fact slowly 'move' in relation to the earth, over a period of 26,000 years (give or take).
This is caused by a slight irregularity in the earths rotation and serves only to screw up our calculations.
