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Technical stuff
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Shinji thinking ^ ^
Ranma thinking / /
Anybody else thinking + +
Shinji ½
Chapter 1: The Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo
The transport plane droned steadily onward towards it’s ultimate destination, Japan, more specifically Tokyo 3. Inside was a very precious cargo, a single passenger, a young boy approximately 14 or 15 years old. He was staring off into space, his brown eyes fixated on the nothingness that was his life.
^ Why did I agree to this? It’s not like I owe him anything, and after what he did to me he has the nerve to haul me back to Japan for some reason. Oh well I guess I’ll find out what it is he wants, tell him off and head back to Russia to continue my studies like he never existed. ^
Shinji laid back in his makeshift hammock he’d made for himself, he looked down at himself and was mildly disgusted at what he saw. Here he was fourteen going on fifteen and he was a wimp. He had virtually no muscle on his arms, the rest of him was just as bad, he could actually count his ribs. The opposite sex had recently become an interest to him even though certain parts had started reacting when he saw something arousing they were still way too small to be effective even if he decided on pursuing some sort of sexual relationship with a girl. He sighed softly. It wouldn’t matter anyway, he knew the second he tried to even approach a girl he would chicken out and run away, and if a girl approached him he would collapse into a heap of incoherent babble.
He laughed slightly at the joke that was his life. His father deserting him when he was just a kid, sending him off to live with some teacher in Siberia. His mother dying. All his life people telling him what to do what to say.
Why?
"Because I’m a spineless wimp." He said aloud.
Would he always be like this? A mere slave of everybody, could he ever be his own person.
^ NO!!! I will not let everybody just walk all over me. I’m going to walk right up to dad tell him to ‘fuck off’ then march right out and back to Siberia. Who’m I kidding I’ll probably just cave in and do whatever he wants just like always. ^
From the cockpit.
"Number two’s flaming out, damn it we’re going to loose number two."
"Shut it down we can’t afford to destroy it."
"Shutoff’s not working sir I can’t shut down."
Suddenly the plane was jolted by a horrendous explosion.
Shinji jumped out of his hammock and quickly donned a parachute.
The pilot and copilot in the cockpit were yelling into the radio.
"Mayday, mayday, transport plane 1123 we’ve lost number two engine, wing structure failing, abandoning craft. Lock onto GPS transponders for rescue."
Not wasting any time Shinji got to the rear of the plane and hit the emergency ramp release. The ramp popped open and he and the two pilots jumped out of the rapidly descending aircraft.
After ten seconds Shinji pulled the ripcord and his chute deftly obeyed by deploying a traditional circular parachute. As if by fate or the will of the gods, (god’s being me.) a gust of wind caught Shinji’s parachute and propelled him towards a vast cluster of pools. In-between the pools were various sizes of decayed bamboo poles. Quickly calculating his current trajectory Shinji realized he was headed towards a particularly large pool. There was no avoiding it he was going to get wet.
^ Just what I needed, to get my clothes dirty. ^
Splashdown.
20 Years Earlier
A young boy of around seventeen was running as fast as he could. He’d finally made it. Jusenkyo. Tears of joy were streaming down Ranma’s cheek as he ran towards the cursed springs.
/ I’ll never be a girl again. Once I’m 100% guy again I can marry Akane and we can be happy. /
The mere thought of marrying Akane made Ranma run that much faster. He loved her with all his heart. He’d just finally admitted it to himself. All this time he’d known it but he never actually told her. When he finally did she was so overjoyed she jumped on him and started kissing him so hard and passionately he still had hickeys from it. After his admission most of his troubles went away. Ryoga was furious but he knew that nothing he did would ever persuade Akane to marry him over Ranma. Ukyo was heartbroken but she had Kei so she bounced right back. Shampoo was for lack of a better word, pissed. After destroying everything she could lay her hands on (including Kuno) she broke down. Cologne was also upset, Ranma could tell this. He’d broken Amazon law, and he knew Cologne wouldn’t stand for this, but she surprisingly managed to hide most of her rage and remained openly calm.
There it was the spring of drowned man. He ran full speed and jumped.
"Yes I’m never going to be a girl again!" he yelled triumphantly, but in a girl’s voice.
He looked down and saw that his/her breasts were there. The spring didn’t work. A realization dawned on him. That’s what the Chinese guy meant when he said ‘very bad you fall in spring.’ There was no cure, the curse was permanent.
Ranma-chan was about to break down and cry when she suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain in her back and chest. She looked down to see a rather large sword sticking out of her left breast. She fell forward into the pool, the blood painted the water red. Before the world went blank he yelled, "Akane I love you." Which under water only came out as a massive burst of bubbles. He inhaled. The water smelled like blood, his blood. That was the last thing he remembered before he passed out and drowned.
Present
A wet, half naked, very buxom, redhead crawled out from under the parachute and out of the pool.
/ Where am I? This looks like Jusenkyo but the poles look older. /
As she continued to look around she noticed herself. The clothes she was wearing (or not wearing) looked to be for somebody just slightly smaller and less developed than herself and they had ripped in several places.
Herself?? Oh no she was still a she. Her memories started flooding back, she remembered jumping into the pool, and… nothing, no the cure didn’t work, then something else … a sword sticking through her chest, then the smell of blood then nothing.
Was she dead? No that couldn’t be right.
Just then she felt something else. No that wasn’t quite right, it was someone else, she could hear them perfectly, but a quick scan of the surroundings revealed nobody. She plugged her ears. The voice, it was coming from her head.
^ Who are you? What’s going on here? ^
/ I’m Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything goes martial arts and who are you and what are you doing in my head? /
^ I’m Shinji Ikari, and this is my body. I fell into that stupid pool over there and now I can’t move my arm and ^ Shinji remembered that the body he had seen through the eyes had breasts.
^ Why am I female? ^
Ranma thought for a moment.
/ Well near as I can guess that’s because of me. /
^ What’s because of you??? ^ Shinji was becoming hysterical.
/ Calm down, would you like the long version or the short fanfic version? /
(author : short fanfic version please please please)
^ Just keep it short.^
(author: Yesssssss)
/ Well welcome to the cursed springs of Jusenkyo, your worst nightmares come to life. Whatever falls into and drowns in the spring, the next thing to fall in and not drown, takes the body of whatever drowned. Make sense? /
^ No if I’m just supposed to get your body why do I also have your soul? ^
/ No idea, but if I’m right I’m dead. /
^ I’m sorry. ^
/ Bummer ain’t it? /
^ So we’re stuck with each other then? ^
/ I guess. I’m really not up on ancient magical stuff. /
^ Uh Ranma? ^
/ Yeah Shinji? /
^ Can I have my body back? ^
/ Well if I’m right all we need to do is find some hot water. /
^ Hot water? ^
/ Yeah the curse is activated whenever you touch cold water, hot water negates the curse. I’m guessing but I think when the curse is active I get control of the body, and when we change back you’re the boss. / Ranma started walking over to the shack where he knew the Jusenkyo guide would be, he just hoped that he hadn’t been dead too long.
^ But it’s my body. ^
/ Trust me. Let me handle the female stuff, I’m used to it by now. /
^ Huh? ^
/ Have you ever had PMS? Didn’t think so, I’m used to it by now./
^ Ranma ^
/ Yes? /
^ Are you a guy or a girl? ^
/ I’M A GUY!!! / Ranma shouted in his thoughts making Shinji wince.
^ Alright already but why do you have a girls body? ^
/ I fell into the spring of drowned girl, then when I was trying to cure myself I was killed and drowned in that pool you fell into. When I drowned I was in girl form, that’s why. /
^ Oh ^ Shinji didn’t get it but he wouldn’t say anything.
They arrived at the cabin, Ranma knocked on the door. A young Chinese man answered.
"Hello Mrs’s, how I help you?"
"Can I come in?"
"Why you want do that?"
"I need some hot water."
"Oh no you fall into spring of drowned girl. That very bad."
"Not exactly."
Ranma sat down while the young man busied himself with filling the kettle and firing up the halogen stove.
"Now which spring you fall into."
"First what’s the date?"
"Why you want know date? It 2014."
"So it’s been twenty years then."
"What you say?"
"A young man came here around 20 years ago. He was cursed to turn into a girl. He was killed and drowned in one of those pools out there." Ranma looked at the man. "That was me, I want to know the tragic story."
The man just looked at him. "That very strange only supposed to be body, soul not supposed to go to. Is other person in head with you?"
"Yeah."
"Very strange indeed. Twenty year ago young man come here, he no get cured, he killed in cold blood. Curse turn him to she then she drown turning pool into ‘spring of drowned female super powered martial artist’ very tragic story."
Ranma narrowed his eyes. So he was dead, the least he was going to do was get revenge on whoever stuck him in the back. "Who killed me?" He asked rather forcefully.
"Old womans of Amazon village. Cologne."
Cologne then, she dies slowly and painfully. He started forming images in his head of what he’d do to her. These scared Shinji so much that he would have wet himself. That is of course if he was himself at that moment, which he wasn’t. The young man continued speaking.
"Womans of Amazon tribe try Cologne for breaking highest Amazon rule, never kill in cold blood. Cologne loose and she slowly die hanging from tree while bird peck at her skin."
/ NO I’ve been denied everything even my revenge. / Ranma was on the verge of shooting off a Shi shi Hokodan that would have impressed even Ryoga, when the water was ready.
The man slowly poured and the body changed. It became smaller, more scrawny. Ranma felt his grip slowly being pulled from him. He fought a little to keep control but as it was he knew he didn’t have a choice.
Shinji felt himself returning to his body. The young man, being a young man, had other plans he wanted to ‘test’ the curse to make sure there were no adverse affects. In reality he wanted to see that buxom redhead again, one more transformation like that and that shirt would tear itself to shreds.
He readied the water. Shinji somehow sensed the impending danger and as the water splashed, Shinji jumped up over the water and did a spinning kick to the man’s face. It really wasn’t much since Shinji didn’t have the weight or the strength to throw a proper kick, still it got his attention at the speed it was thrown.
"What was that for!" Shinji yelled. (yes you read right yelled.)
"Many apologies sirs. I is very clumsy"
Shinji glared warily at the man as he backed out of the shack. When he was a safe distance away, he let his defenses down a little.
/ Way to go Shinji I didn’t know you studied martial arts, what with your body and all. /
^ I don’t, I’ve got no idea how I did that. ^
/ Well you did fall into the spring of ‘Female super powered martial artist’, and you’ve got me in here with you, so it naturally stems that you can subconsciously access my martial arts abilities. Go ahead try the katchu tensin amogouriken. /
^ The what? ^
/ Just start throwing punches as fast as you can. /
Shinji did as he was told but his punches were slow and ineffective, nothing like the speed and grace used in the amogouriken.
/ Maybe you just need a threat or something. /
^ I guess you’re right. ^
Over the rise came the sound of a high speed transport helicopter coming to rescue the crash victims.
On board Shinji thought to himself.
^ Here I am again, doing what I’m told, going to see a man who I hate who summons me for no apparent reason and at the drop of a hat I go. I have no father. I hate you Gendo Ikari. ^
/ So what’s so bad about your old man? / Ranma piped up.
"Ahhhhhh" Shinji yelled. Luckily for him his girly scream was drowned out by the roar of the engines.
^ Don’t do that Ranma. ^
/ Sorry I didn’t know you freaked so easily, I’ll try to scare the shit out of you more gently next time. /
Shinji didn’t think this was particularly funny. Then he felt a small warm spot on the front of his jeans. He hoped Ranma couldn’t feel anything while he wasn’t in control. He slowly pulled his shirt out and let the front drape over the spot, masterfully concealing it.
His life had just gotten a hell of a lot more interesting, maybe he wasn’t a wimp after all, he felt an unbeatable confidence well up within him. He was invincible, nothing could beat him, he could face anything. He looked out the window as they neared Tokyo 3, he saw a giant walking thing with arms trashing the city. Well maybe not everything.
Chapter 2: A Secret Discovered
The helicopter touched down and was quickly lowered down underground into a massive Geofront command center. His arm was grabbed by an attractive woman, about 25 to 30 years old, black short cut hair. She was wearing a red jacket with half a maple leaf on it, and a few buttons which Shinji recognized as medals. The only outstanding feature of her apparel was a chromium cross that hung from her neck via a black strap of some sort. Beyond her apparel Shinji noticed that she had an outstanding figure.
^ Oh man, if I was only ten or twenty years older I would love to… ^
/ Dream on bud, now on the other hand if I were still alive and wasn’t married, I’d show her exactly how flexible a martial artists body really is. /
^ Ranma I really don’t think she’s the type of woman to go for lesbian action. ^
/ HEY I’M A GUY REMEMBER!!! /
Shinji was doing his best not to laugh, if he did they’d probably commit him to a mental institution.
/ Exactly where you belong, pervert. / Ranma said then stalked off to sulk in the recesses of Shinji’s brain. It wasn’t an easy task and he eventually gave up.
Misato and Shinji arrived at what seemed to be a gigantic hangar of some sort. There was a catwalk that stretched across a giant pool of yellowish liquid. In the middle of the pool stood what appeared to be a huge purple and lime green robot.
^ The paint job has something to be desired, I wonder if this is why I’m here? ^
/ Hey Shinji who’s the really serious looking guy up there with the stupid orange glasses? /
^ That Ranma is the old man. ^
"Shinji I trust that little mishap with the transport didn’t affect you too much?"
"Why am I here father? Why now?"
"We need you to pilot the Evangelion and defeat the Angels."
"What are you talking about?"
Misato cut in.
"Shinji, that," pointing at the robot "is Evangelion unit one or Eva unit one for short, and the Angels, that giant thing with arms trashing downtown you couldn’t have missed it, are an alien species that seem hell bent on destroying the human race. You’re here to defeat them, and to do it we need you to pilot unit one."
Shinji turned to look at his father. "Why me? Why now?"
Gendo looked down at his son standing there on the catwalk. "Because you’re the only one who can. Will you do it?"
Shinji started thinking. Gendo took his silence as a ‘no’. "Very well then bring out Rei."
"No you can’t it’ll kill her." Misato shouted.
"She’s not dead yet." Gendo replied in a monotone voice.
Several technicians and doctors wheeled out a stretcher and an IV unit onto the catwalk. On the stretcher lay a girl not much older than Shinji. It was obvious that she had been through hell. Her head was heavily bandaged, and she had casts on both her arms and one of her legs. She was in a form fitting body suit but both Shinji and Ranma could see the bandages underneath.
/ Shinji you can’t. If she’s the only other one who can pilot that thing, you can’t let her do it. /
^ But I’m scared. I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t think I can do it. ^
Before Ranma could respond the hangar was shaken by a massive explosion above. Several metal plates fell from above.
Shinji ran faster than he’d ever ran before, he was almost a blur. He gently grabbed Rei off the stretcher and jumped out of the way milliseconds before a panel crashed down onto the spot Rei had just been totally destroying the stretcher.
He gently laid Rei down on the catwalk and turned to glare at his father. Through clenched teeth, he spat out, "I’ll do it."
To this he turned to Misato, nodded then turned and walked off to his office.
Misato tossed Shinji two neural interface receptors, then started to run to the command center.
"Put those on your head and get into the plug, hurry we don’t have much time left."
Shinji did as he was told. He then did something really unusual. Instead of using the stairs he jumped onto Eva 01. It was a jump worthy of Ranma for he made it from the catwalk to the entry plug in that one jump and he was even seated properly.
/ How the hell did you do that? /
^ Do what? ^
/ Shinji you just jumped 25 to 30 feet straight up! /
It suddenly hit him.
^ I… I have no idea, I just did it. It was like instinct. ^
/ Well we know that you seem to be able to do some of my moves, but just not when you want to do them. Listen we are about to fight a 25 story tall monster we had better find out how you are able to do my martial arts or else there will be a good chance we’ll be killed. /
The discussion continued inside the entry plug. Misato had reached the control room. There she found everybody standing there with their mouths open in utter shock.
"Hey what’s everybody doing just standing around we’ve got a fight on our hands."
She turned to Ritsuko. "Ritsuko what happened?"
"H… h… he j… jumped."
"Who?"
"Shinji"
"No just what we need our one and only pilot commits suicide just when he’s needed most. Damn I guess we need Rei."
"Misato, he… he jumped from the catwalk to the entry plug in ONE jump."
"That’s impossible but we’ll investigate later right now prepare to launch."
Everybody was still in shock.
"NOW!" That worked.
Through the entry plug speaker Shinji heard Misato’s voice.
"Now Shinji we’re going to have to fill the entry plug with LCL, don’t be afraid."
The entry plug started filling with some sort of orangish liquid. Shinji was squirming.
"Uh Misato there’s something I need to tell you, I can’t touch cold water."
"What’s that about? Don’t worry LCL is a highly oxygenated fluid, it’s not water, and it’s not cold." Though reassuring him, she stuck the cold water thing in her mind. + Could be useful as a practical joke later. +
The LCL was rising higher and higher, even though he found he could touch it without activating the curse the faint smell of blood was sickening. He didn’t know why but he believed that Ranma drowning in a pool of his own blood had something to do with it.
It was over his head he held his breath for as long as he could but finally he had to exhale. What he inhaled was slightly more viscous than air, but it was breathable.
"How are you feeling Shinji?" came Misato’s voice over the loudspeaker.
"I feel a little sick, I think I may throw up."
"Well if you puke you’re cleaning it up, got it."
"Yeah I got it."
Inside the control room Ritsuko was analyzing the readouts from Shinji’s neural interface sensors. The results were to say the least confusing. There were two distinct brainwave patterns. This was scientifically impossible.
"Maya begin interface, let’s get him going." Shouted Misato across the room to Maya.
"Approaching break even point, passing , Captain he’s stabilized at 56% synchronization."
Under her breath Misato mumbled to herself, "way to go kid now go get em."
"Launch Eva 01"
Shinji felt the Eva and himself slowly merge, the Eva’s arms were now his arms, the Eva’s legs were now his legs, when he closed his eyes he could still see, but they were not his eyes. The entire experience was slightly disorienting, kind of like the first time he’d stepped into a full virtual reality machine. Then there was a sudden jolt as the Eva rocketed skyward.
On the ground everything was different. He looked around and saw the Angel 5 blocks dead ahead. Through the loudspeaker.
"Ok Shinji no pressure just try taking a few steps."
Eva lurched forward and fell flat on it’s face. Inside the entry plug.
"Ow that’s going to leave a mark."
From the speaker.
"Shinji get up it’s coming right at you, GET UP." Misato’s voice seemed urgent.
Eva was struggling like a baby who had just fallen down and couldn’t get up.
For a 25 story tall monster the Angel moved quite quickly, covering the distance between itself and the fallen Eva in a matter of a few seconds.
/ Uh Shinji if you’re holding out on me time to cut it out and get serious, it’s coming over here and it looks like Happosai after we threw out his entire collection of panties and bras. /
^ What do you think I’m trying to do. Stupid thing how do you move. ^
Shinji finally figured out how to move but it was too little too late. The Angel had grabbed the Eva by it’s arm, then it twisted it till it snapped in half. Shinji screamed in agonizing pain. Misato came through, "Shinji that’s not your arm it’s the Eva’s arm." It didn’t matter who’s arm it was it still hurt like hell.
The Angel grabbed hold of the Eva’s head and started pounding on it with some sort of energy lance. Shinji passed out.
"Maya cut neural connections or we’re going to loose the pilot."
"No good control circuits are shot, we’ve got no way of getting in touch with the Eva."
This wasn’t quite true Ritsuko was still getting readings. She saw the dominant brainwave become the passive brainwave and vice versa. It still made no sense.
In the entry plug, Ranma found himself in control of Shinji’s male body. He also couldn’t hear Shinji’s thoughts so he concluded (and rightly so) that Shinji had passed out. Then it hit him, the reason why Shinji had passed out. Two stabbing pains, one from his arm the other from his head.
/ Guess I can’t blame him for passing out. Wonder if my healing ability would work on the Eva? One way to find out. /
From the control room.
"The Eva’s regenerating." Maya yelled to Misato.
"What?"
Indeed it was regenerating. Almost instantly the arm snapped back into place and the damaged eye healed. Ranma stood up and flexed. The Eva flexed with him. Using what he’d learned from Shinji’s failed attempt at walking he took a step. It worked. / Awright now to get down to some serious business. / He cracked his knuckles. He was to be the sole savior of the world. It was really quite thrilling. He let out a roar and the Eva responded likewise.
"It’s gone berserk again." Maya called out.
"Ritsuko I thought you fixed that." Misato said to her friend who was totally engulfed in the readings she was getting.
"What do you expect from an untested highly evolved cybernetic weapon." Responded Ritsuko not looking up from her readings.
"So that means what."
"No warranty."
Outside there was a battle raging on. After Ranma had flipped the Angel the bird, it had ‘run’ up and kicked the Eva in the nuts. (if Eva’s have nuts) It hurt like hell, and Ranma wanted revenge, for everything. He was doing a series of devastating roundhouse and jump kicks, none of which seemed to be penetrating the Angel’s weird kind of force field. However Ranma noticed that each blow seemed to weaken it. Through some amazingly quick and insightful thinking Ranma realized that if he could land thousands of punches he should be able to weaken the field and collapse it, then make that ugly thing even uglier, i.e. bloody pulp.
"Katsu Tenshin Amogouriken!" he yelled as Eva’s arms started flying out faster than the speed of sound, sending out mach cones, which also slammed into the AT field.
Ritsuko was pissing herself. Everything was wrong, first Shinji jumping into the entry plug, then the dual signals, now whatever was in control of Shinji and hence the Eva was making it’s arms move beyond mach 1 this was impossible.
Misato looked over at her friends stunned reaction, then she looked down.
"Ritsuko look what you did on the floor. Baaaaaddd Ritsuko, baaaaadddd scientist."
The Angel was weakening rapidly and the AT field finally collapsed. Ranma however didn’t stop he saw the red core and decided to trash that first. He did a front kick aimed at the top of the Angel it toppled onto it’s back. Ranma jumped on and started doing the Amogouriken technique downward directly on the core. It cracked and the Angel stopped moving.
The recovery room was bone white and barren. Kind of like Saskatchewan in the winter. Ranma was awake but pretended to be unconscious in fear that he would be discovered, not knowing he already had been. Ritsuko was standing outside the door talking to someone. Three people entered the room and shut the door and the blinds, one of them unhooked the security camera.
Cold water splashed on the bed, one very impressive transformation later a damp redhead jumped out of the bed.
"What’d you do that for?" she screamed.
Her eyes crossed as a 45 special, that would have made Dirty Harry cream his jeans, was pointed directly at his/her nose almost touching it.
Misato narrowed her eyes. "Now who are you?"
"I’m Shinji."
"Wrong answer," As the audible click of the hammer being pulled back and locked into place.
"Now let’s try this again, who are you?"
Gendo spoke. "The captain is a little trigger happy. Now whoever you are I’ve only seen two people in my life who were able to pull off the Katsu Tenshin Amogouriken," he narrowed his eyes "and both of them my dear, are dead. So I ask who are you?"
Ranma lowered her eyes. "I’m Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. Sorry about this."
"You’re lying, Ranma’s dead, and besides Ranma was a guy." Gendo said coldly. "Misato shoot her."
"But sir it was your son?" Misato’s moment of confusion was all Ranma needed.
/ He doesn’t believe I’m Ranma, I’ll show him. /
"Hiru Shoten Ha!" he yelled
This shook Misato out of her state of confusion, just in time to see a miniature whirlwind spinning towards her current position. It picked her up and spun her across the room, dropping the gun. Ritsuko was also caught up slightly and was pushed against the door, Gendo was just ruffled a little before the whirlwind spun down.
He showed his shock. His left eyebrow twitched slightly.
"You can’t be alive."
"Who says I am, now sit and I’ll try to explain."
After two hours of curses, martial arts explanations, and various other things, Ritsuko got up.
"I can’t possibly believe it but here it is right in front of me. I can’t take much more of this I’m going to do my work now." With this she huffed off.
Gendo left for his office after reassuring Ranma that the entire transformation thing would be kept top secret except for Nerv officials. It was just Misato and Ranma in the room. Misato had gotten used to everything by now. (well almost everything the changing into a girl thing was still really weird)
Ranma got up went to the bathroom and came out as Shinji again.
"Why’d you do that?" Asked Misato.
"Well I figure that Shinji is going to be waking up soon and he would probably want to be in control of the body."
"Oh."
Almost on cue Shinji came to.
^ Oh man, my head hurts, hey Ranma what’d I miss. ^
"Hey Shinji is that you?" asked Misato curiously "Or is that still you Ranma?"
^ She knows!!! Ranma how does she know. ^
/ I told her. They found out because that stupid machine told them. Stupid machine. Don’t worry it’s all going to be kept top secret. /
^ She tried to shoot you. ^
"Helllooooooo, anybody home?" Misato waved her hand in front of Shinji’s eyes.
"Hm what?"
"What were you doing?"
"I was talking to Ranma."
+ Two people in one body, that’s got to be strange. +
"Well I guess we should get going."
"Going? Going where?"
"Home of course silly, you’re staying with me."
"Goody"
Ritsuko was walking down the hall to her office. She had tons of work to do. Two souls in one body, and one of them was that of a dead man. This was just too weird.
She rounded the corner and opened her office door. On her desk was a box of diapers. A practical joke spawned by her earlier accident, probably the brainchild of the guys. Heads would roll, and she wasn’t thinking about the kind that sat on their shoulders either.
The ride home was pretty much uneventful. Shinji was really tired for some reason, Ranma didn’t tell him he’d pulled off a chi attack, and Shinji was too tired to press the issue.
Misato opened the door to the apartment.
"Well Shinji, Ranma welcome home."
The apartment was to put it mildly a disaster, there were instant Raman noodle cases everywhere, and the dishes in the sink were piling up.
/ She can’t cook. /
^ How can you tell? ^
/ Look around it’s elementary all this instant food. /
"Well get settled in supper will be in about five minutes." She moved to the cupboard and pulled out three packages of noodles and some stuff. She went to the sink and pulled out a pot, sniffed it, rinsed it gently under the water then filled it half full.
^ I don’t think I’d survive that stuff, could take this one please. ^
Ranma laughed / Sure, sure I’ve survived worse believe me. You know what to do. /
Shinji wandered over to the sink.
"Misato, I’m really not hungry right now but Ranma says he’s starved." With that he dumped the water on himself. The transformation tore his clothes a bit, as the bigger Ranma came forth.
/ We’ve got to get you some new clothes, preferably ones with some give to them, this shirt’s tight. /
He exhaled and the shirt developed two big tears under the arms and two buttons popped off.
/ Much better. /
One of the buttons hit Misato in the back of the head and she turned to see the cause.
Her eye twitched heavily. There was Ranma severely busting out of Shinji’s now way too small shirt.
"Ranma don’t you have ANY female modesty?"
"Not a shred, I’m a guy remember." He went to the refrigerator and opened it.
Beer. (an engineers best friend) Row upon row of beer.
"Lemme guess, hmmm you would like a beer, is that right?"
"You got it, how’d you know."
"Instinct." Ranma said as he procured two beers from the fridge.
He handed one to Misato and kept the other for himself. She saw him crack his and pound back the entire can.
"What are you doing!!" yelled Misato "You’re way to young to drink."
Ranma just crumpled the can into a small ball, crossed his arms and looked at Misato.
"Look, how old are you?"
"Twenty six, why?"
"I’m thirty seven so I can damn well drink beer if I want."
"But…" She for some reason she couldn’t come up with a response to this, it had never occurred to her that this girl was older than she was. So she did the only thing she could, she slammed her beer.
"Hooo Yaw. That’s one to one Ranma."
"One to what?"
"Get us another beer." She narrowed her eyes. "By slamming that beer you challenged me to a drinking contest, and I never back down from a challenge."
Walking to the fridge Ranma opened it and tossed her another beer and got one for himself.
"Well awl right, you’re on."
^ You’ve never drank before in your life have you. ^
/ Not a once, but don’t worry I never loose. /
Shinji didn’t want to say this but challenging somebody with a stack of filled out frequent drinker cards at the local liquor shop, probably wasn’t a good idea.
An hour later, the Raman hadn’t even been touched. Ranma was sloshed, Misato was even showing quite a bit.
"Shyou know yoush verrrrry boootiful Mishato." Ranma slurred.
^ Ranma you’re drunk stop now before you do something. ^
"Aw shaddap Shinji yoush spoiln my fun."
He turned on Misato he used his martial artist balance which even when he was drunk didn’t fail him. He lunged at Misato knocking her out of the chair and onto the floor.
He pressed his lips to hers in an unbreakable liplock kiss with tongue. Misato in her drunken haze was shocked that she was being kissed by a girl, Shinji was shocked that Ranma was kissing Misato, and Ranma was shocked that he wasn’t using his hands to get a feel.
Before he could act the body failed and he passed out.
Misato lay on the floor.
+ I was just kissed by a girl, no wait I was kissed by a boy, no wait I was kissed by an old man, no I was kissed by an old dead man in a young girls body. Yeah that’s right. He was a good kisser. + That was it she too passed out.
Shinji lay there on the floor, unable to move. When he took over Ranma’s body he got the alcohol rush too. He was too drunk to do anything. A penguin waddled out to where Shinji/Ranma and Misato lay on the floor.
It stopped in front of Shinji, ‘warked’ at him then raised it’s leg.
Chapter 3: Budwieser and Books
The next day the sun shone brightly through the window. Normally this would cheer anybody up and make them happy about facing a new day. Everybody except those who had over indulged in the fire water the night before and now had a four alarm hangover. Shinji Ikari was one of these people. The sun pierced his eyelids like an arrow, traveled up his optic nerve and started pounding on his brain, like a punk rocker at a heavy metal thrash concert.
He moaned and rolled over. Right onto a sleeping Pen Pen who had found the sleeping kid to be an excellent source of heat. The penguin warked and flapped it’s wings and kicked with it’s feet. Shinji got off and rose to all fours. He carefully shook his head, he smelled something, it was him. He smelled like a penguins litterbox.
/ Morning how do you feel? /
^ How am I supposed to feel jerk. You get drunk then I get the pain. I feel like Happosai just used me for a punching bag. ^ (note remember Shinji and Ranma are of one brain so their memories and thoughts are shared just their conciousnesses are separate.)
/ Really sorry about that but you know I never back down from a challenge. So did I win? /
^ No, you kissed her then passed out. ^
Alarm bells started going off in Ranma’s mind he couldn’t remember kissing her or anything past beer 12.
/ Really? /
^ Yeah really. ^
/ Shinji /
^ Yeah ^
/ I think you’d better go take a shower, it’ll help with your hangover plus I think the penguin pissed on you last night. /
Shinji mentally nodded his approval then slowly crawled to the shower room. He was crawling so he didn’t notice the ‘Do not enter occupied’ sign on the door.
A wet naked Misato watched as the door opened and Shinji crawled in on all fours then stripped on the floor and continued to crawl into the shower.
She watched as he tried to reach the knobs to turn the water on. She reached in and cranked the cold water tap all of the way.
"Yahhhhhhhhhhhhh" Screamed Ranma as the curse took effect and she bolted upright.
"That was for last night you pervert." Misato said as she finished drying herself off and walked out of the room.
Shinji finished his shower but found that Misato had taken the only towel.
^ Damn. Ranma you owe me one from last night. You’re walking out there. ^
He stepped back into the shower and turned the cold water tap just slightly.
A wet naked Ranma walked out of the shower room right passed a staring Misato and into his and Shinji’s room.
+ I had no idea she was so well built. + She looked down at herself then at the mental picture of Ranma walking. + Damn. +
Ranma walked out of the room dressed in Shinji’s biggest clothes, which were still quite tight up top and she had foregone doing up most of the buttons on the shirt rather than popping them off.
After changing back, Shinji finished dressing and sat down at the table, his stomach still turned slightly at the thought of eating but he forced himself to anyway.
"So Shinji are you ready for your first day of school?"
"School? I don’t understand."
"Well as a Nerv officer you have to finish school, those are your orders."
"When did I become a Nerv officer? I don’t remember signing on."
"The moment you stepped into unit 1 you became a Nerv officer."
"If I’m an officer where’s my pass card or some other type of identification?"
Misato reached under the table and produced a small package. She opened it and produced a card with Shinji’s picture on it and handed it to him.
"This is your identification card it will allow you to get into Central Dogma so you can get to you Eva if we need you."
She rummaged around some more and produced a cellular phone and handed it to him.
"This will allow us to get ahold of you if we need to." She produced a small thin red plastic package.
"Here are you orders incase you can’t reach headquarters and don’t know what to do."
She pulled out a nifty hat with the Nerv symbol on it.
"And here’s your nifty hat."
^ This is lame I save all humanity and all I get is this stupid hat. ^
/ Well Shinji it is a job in the military so I would suspect that they would have to pay you or something. Ask her. /
"So Misato," he narrowed his eyes at her "are there any other fringe benefits like say me getting paid?"
"Eheheh I guess so, how does 25 000 yen per mission sound plus 500 an hour when your working on the base."
"Sounds good, but I’m going to need some more stuff from you."
It was now Misato’s turn to narrow her eyes. "Like what?"
"Well I was thinking that if I’m halfway across the city and you need me I’m not going to just hop on a bus or call a taxi you know. I need a sweet ride."
"Huh?"
"A vehicle of some sorts, I was thinking motorcycle, say 2013 Harley Davidson, lowrider, shovelhead, handle bars up to here." Indicating level of handlebars.
Misato’s eye twitched "I I’ll have to take that up with commander Ikari."
"Thanks Misato." Shinji said as he got up and left the table. "I guess I’ll be going to school now."
He grabbed his book bag and ran out the door.
Misato looked at her watch and screamed as she ran out the door. She was going to be late for work.
Shinji was running along the ground when all of a sudden.
ATTACK OF THE EVIL OLD SIDEWALK WASHER WOMAN
/ Well I guess we need to find some hot water, there should be some at the school. /
^ Great just great my first day at school and I’m going to be late. ^
/ Hey you’ve got it easy, if I move too much this shirt’s going to explode and won’t that just suck. I may not have any female modesty but being thrown into jail for indecent exposure would just make my day, last time some sexually depraved woman wanted me to be her bitch. I had to convince her otherwise./
Shinji stifled a laugh, as they reached the gates of New Furinken High School.
Instead of leaping over the fence and risking an indecent exposure lawsuit he decided to go in through the front gate.
He looked around, it was an almost perfect replica of the original Furinken except the damage was slightly greater.
He was looking around when he spotted a bokken wielding boy approximately his (biological) age approaching.
"Halt fair pigtailed mistress, I Kaechi Kuno, do hereby challenge you. If I defeat thee, thou shalt date with me,"
/ Who let Kuno breed? Better yet who would sleep with Kuno? /
" For 1000 yen I shall spare thee my wrath and you shall date with me."
/ Nabiki? /
Kuno charged.
/ I’ve got no time for this. /
Ranma not wanting to start popping buttons on Shinji’s shirt put her hands together. A glowing sphere of chi started to form.
"Mouko Takabisha"
One charred Kuno to go. Ranma continued walking to the school not noticing a pigtailed girl fuming on the sidelines. She got up and followed.
Ranma had found a back room with a sink and hot running water. Ranko opened the door a crack so she could see what was happening. She saw the girl change into a wimpy looking boy. She closed the door and ran around the corner so she wouldn’t be caught.
Shinji walked out and off to class.
+ The Mouko Takabisha is my move how dare he. Well he is cursed, so life can’t be easy on him. Hmm now that I think about it put on a bit of muscle and he’d be pretty good looking. + She put this thought out of her head as she too rushed off to class.
"Good morning class we have a new student here at NFH his name is Shinji Ikari, lets all give him a good welcome, but this still does not excuse the fact that he was late. Now go stand in the hall."
^ How could you do this day after day? ^
/ Oh come on Shinji it’s only one bucket. It’s not that bad. /
^ But it’s heavy! ^
/ But it’s only half full! Shinji are you really that weak? /
^ And what if I am! ^
/ Woah didn’t mean to hit a sore spot. If you want I could train you. Get you all buff for the ladies. I think that one in the corner was looking at you. /
^ You really mean it? You’ll help me. ^
/ Sure it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do, like hit on Misato. /
Shinji laughed out loud, which earned him another five minutes in the hall.
When he got back he found two messages on his computer the first was a question from a guy named Kensuke asking him if he was the new Eva pilot. Shinji decided to respond to this one as ‘No comment’ since he knew that the truth would get him into trouble. He looked back and noticed the perplexed look on Kensuke’s face.
Looking at the second e-mail
‘ Meet me behind the gym after school, be prepared to fight, this is a challenge. Ranko’
^ She wants to fight me? Why? ^
/ I have no idea but you can’t refuse. See if you can trace the seat number so we can see what she looks like. /
^ No luck it was triple encrypted and a binary trace path scrambler was enabled, it’s untraceable. ^
/ Can you at least hack into the system to find out anything about her? Let’s face it you’re going to need all the advantages you can get. /
^ I am NOT going to hack into anything. ^
/ Alright but if she mops the floor with you don’t come crying to me. /
^ If she ‘mops the floor with me’ you’ll be crying too, the great Ranma Saotome beaten by a 14 year old girl. ^
/ But it won’t be me. It’ll be you. /
^ I am you remember we are of one body, so if I’m going down you are too. ^
/ That’s not fair. /
^ All we can hope for is that I’m able to get control of your abilities in time to prevent our collective selves from getting killed. ^
/ And that she doesn’t find out about the curse. /
^ Damn I hope she doesn’t know about that AND that she never finds out, I’m not good at water dodging, ^ looking down at his shirt ^ besides I don’t think my shirt’d be able to take another transformation. ^
/ Yeah that’s just what we’d need I don’t think that these Jr. Highers would be able to withstand the full force of me tearing this shirt to shreds. / An image of the entire male population keeling over with bleeding noses ran through Shinji’s brain.
The thought of this led Shinji to laugh. Problem was he laughed out loud. After a few minutes of trying to BS his way out of a detention he managed to convince the teacher that it was just a funny joke that he just got. It seemed to work.
The rest of the school day went pretty much as usual, some old guy droning on about the Second Impact and how it changed society. Shinji fell asleep leaving Ranma to face the horrors of the endless boring class.
By the time school was over Ranma was pretty tired if not more enlightened. (He died 4 years before second impact, so he’s got a lot of history to catch up on.)
/ Man things’ve changed a lot since I was alive. I had no idea the Spice Girls teamed up with Barney to take control of the Eastern United States after impact. /
^ Yeah most of the eastern US was under water so there wasn’t much resistance. Well here we are the back of the gym. ^
/ And there she is. Strange she looks kinda like me except much less developed and her hair’s blue. I wonder what her family name is. Shinji see if you can get her name. /
^ What are you going to hit on her too? ^ Shinji flashed the scene of Ranma kissing Misato. Ranma cringed.
/ No I’d just like to know who we’re fighting. So I really did kiss Misato then. /
^ Yup, wait she’s saying something. ^
"Shinji you jerk you stole my move, and for that you must pay. Dieeeee" She rushed at him and aimed a devastating jump kick to his jaw.
Shinji spun around and landed a quick reverse kick to the back of her head as she passed him. She was phased but not daunted. She launched a barrage of other attacks, various kicks and spinning punches none of which connected. She was getting frustrated.
"Alright that’s it, Mouko Takabisha!" The energy burst washed over his body but had no effect. Ranma had told him in time the secret, ‘let go of all of your emotions and the Takabisha can’t hurt you.’ It had worked.
Ranko stood there confused. Nothing should be standing after that. She’d put all of her confidence into that one blast, and Shinji just stood there, not a scratch on him.
"Wha, Wh, How’d you do that?"
"That’s it I’ve had enough, now will you tell me your name and WHY you are trying to kick the shit out of me please."
Dazed but still mostly in control of her thoughts, she decided to take a break from the mayhem to think of a new plan.
"Alright. My name is Ranko, Ranko Saotome of the Saotome school of martial arts, and the Mouko Takabisha is my move and you stole it."
Suddenly a wave of depression and confusion overtook Shinji. The source of which was Ranma.
/ There’s no way she could be a Saotome, I was the last male heir and I died. /
Seeing that Shinji seemed stunned, Ranko saw her opportunity and took it. She charged with the plan on leveling him with one finishing blow. She slowed down suddenly around ten feet from target when she noticed that he was glowing green and blue.
She suddenly remembered the move, it was her fathers but he hadn’t been depressed enough to do it in years. Her eyes widened and she tried to avoid being hit by the blast but she couldn’t move fast enough.
"Shi Shi Hokoudan!" Shinji yelled as a blue green chi blast shot forth from his outstreched hands.
Ranko lay on the ground slightly singed and unconscious.
/ She can’t be a Saotome, she just can’t be. /
^ Why not? Maybe your dad got back together with your mom and had another kid, in which case she would be your sister. ^
/ Not likely mom would have rather killed pop rather than sleep with him, but if her name is Saotome that just has to be it. Great we just beat up my sister. /
Suddenly the air raid sirens went off signaling an Angel attack. Shinji hung his head.
^ I really don’t want to do that again. ^
/ Don’t worry you know how to walk now, and besides / indicating Ranko / you seem to be able to fight pretty good as it is if you can beat up so thoroughly on my poor defenseless little sister. /
^ Ranma if you are any example NO Saotome is poor or defenseless. ^
Shinji started roof hopping since it was the fastest way to get to Nerv.
From the shadows Kaechi was watching plotting revenge on the evil Shinji Ikari for hurting his precious Ranko, and also how to win the favor of that dashing older girl that beat him this morning. + Ah fair beauty how sweet is thine name. Ha ha they shall both be mine. For I am the Great Thunder of New Furinken High. +
And the thunder rolls
