TITLE: Stress/Insomnia
AUTHOR: Hebburn Bee Slayer (johkerej@globalnet.co.uk) Taz like feedback
RATING: PG-13 for language
CATEGORY: S,R,A,H
SPOILERS: Movie, One Breath, Small Potatoes, Unruhe, Tunguska/Terma, Dreamland II
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance/UST
DISCLAIMER: yadda, yadda, yadda...
SUMMARY: Two different 'Scully finds out' scenarios both ending with the same result.
ARCHIVE: Anywhere and everywhere. Just leave me name and address on it, or I'll send the boys round. Kidding. Oh, and ask first, right.
AUTHOR'S BABBLE: Ever tried to organise a trip to the cinema for 14 people? No? Well you have no idea how I was feeling when I wrote the first one. Believe me, the sight of me tearing my hair out (literally) at 10:30 at night is not pretty. And the story continues... I have been on the phone for the last three hours trying to sort this out, added to the hour last night. (Oh, my phone bill...) As you can probably guess, my nightmare experience was the inspiration for this first fan-fic. In case you didn't get what was explained briefly in the summary, all will be revealed at the end of both pieces. Oh, and I hope you don't mind the 'F' word ;-)
On with the show....
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STRESS!!

Dana Scully stomped into her apartment, slammed the door, threw her purse on the table and fought the urge to scream.
Two seconds later the urge won out: "FOX MULDER I'M GOING TO FUCKING *KILL* YOU!!!!"
There. That felt better.
She shrugged off her trench-coat and stalked into the bedroom, changing into jeans and a T-shirt. She made it to the bedroom door before she realised it was *Mulder's* T-shirt.
When she came *back* out her tension level was rising.
Ooh, she was pissed.
Big time.
Mulder was going to die for this, slowly and painfully. She grimaced as she poured herself a glass of coke. She needed the caffeine if she was going to have to wait until he got back until she could scream at him.
He'd ditched her. Again. Not that it was anything new, but he had told her he would be home all night. She had went there intent on getting into a fight with him and what did she find? Not Mulder. She'd found a note:
S -
Sorry, *HAD* to go
- M
Wow. And she knew *exactly* where he'd gone. Mulder had gone to follow up a dangerous lead on his new case. *Their* new case, actually, although you wouldn't think it. It was a case she'd specifically asked him not to go alone on. And what did he do?
Scully snorted. He did what he always did: exactly what he wanted, and everyone else could go to hell, even her. And that pissed her off more than anything. The fact that despite everything he'd said to her over the years, everything he'd said that day in the hallway (fucking bee), he obviously didn't trust her. Not really.
Scully took a long gulp of her coke before turning on her CD player and playing Alanis Morrissette loudly. For a minute she considered drinking something stronger, but quickly dismissed it. If she confronted him drunk she was likely to give in to all her instincts and kiss him. She sighed, turning up the volume as 'You Oughta Know' came on.
That was the *real* problem, wasn't it? That was the real issue here. The fact that she wasn't just pissed off, she was having an off the chart-9.5 on the Richter scale-Mount Everest-Godzilla-Rosanne Barr sized attack of the green eyed monster.
Diana Fowley!!
He had been *married* to the biggest *bitch* on the face of the earth. And he hadn't told her. The biggest bitch who deserved to die!!! Horribly!
*He* hadn't even told her they had a 'history'. She'd had to find out from the Gunmen.
She'd found out about the marriage about 2 hours ago. 1 hour before she found out she'd been ditched again.
"Diana fucking Fowley!" she shouted to the empty room. Then: "Married. To Diana Fowley. Fox Fucking Mulder was *married* to Diana Fucking Fowley."
Her ego had taken a severe beating to day, and she wanted to take her animosity out on Mulder. God knows he deserved it.
"He deserves a slap in the face too," she muttered. She got up, unable to sit still, so instead she paced the room, planning just what she was going to say to him when he arrived. She knew he'd come; she'd left him her own note.
M -
Get to my place ASAP or you won't be capable of going anywhere on your own again!
- S
Why the hell should she be polite?
10 minutes later there was a tentative knock at the door, and Scully smiled humourlessly.
"It's open," her voice was devoid of emotion, and that's why Mulder came in wincing. He shut the door behind him and looked at Scully quizzically.
She said nothing, merely gave him an icy glare before turning off her CD.
"Scully? Is something wrong?"
Is something wrong? Wrong question, Mulder.
"Find anything interesting?" she asked, building up the courage to ask the real question: why didn't you tell me, her mind screamed.
"What?" either he didn't know what she was referring to, or he was trying to avoid it.
"On the case."
Mulder winced again. Oops.
"Actually, no. It turned out to be a dead end."
Scully raised an eyebrow, "Which is exactly why I asked you not to go. You could have got yourself killed, Mulder. Again." Mulder opened his mouth to answer that, but Scully had a *lot* of pent up anger to release.
"Don't say a word, Mulder. I *specifically* asked you not to go alone on this one, but you did. As always. Well, you know what, Mulder? I'm sick of it. I am *sick* of not knowing where the *hell* you are. I'm sick of your lies, your excuses, your pathetic and utterly predictable apologies. Why the *hell* should I have to put up with this crap, Mulder? Because I *trust* you?" her voice was dripping with sarcasm on the last part of that sentence, "And why the *hell* should I trust you when you so obviously don't return that trust. Why should I bother protecting you when you can't be bothered to protect yourself?"
Mulder didn't know what to say. Was this really his partner? The 'ice queen' herself? He knew she didn't deserve that nickname, but still. There was more to this than him dumping her.
"You know, Mulder, you search for the *truth*, but sometimes I wonder if you'd know that truth if it came up and shot you in the butt."
Now Mulder was angry, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that sometimes a little honesty wouldn't go amiss."
"Oh, right, because you always tell me exactly what's going on."
"What?"
"Do the two words, 'I'm fine' mean anything to you?"
Scully let out an irritated breath. This wasn't going to get them anywhere, but if he wanted a fight he was going to fucking get one.
"I have to walk around all of the time *guessing* what you're thinking, what you're feeling."
"You know, Mulder, my feelings and your bad habit of omitting the truth are two completely different things. Why didn't you tell me where you were going tonight?"
"Because you would try and stop me."
"Yeah? And where did you get by ignoring me? Absolutely fucking nowhere, that's where."
Scully was not going to calm down anytime soon. And now for the million dollar question.
"And why didn't you tell me about Diana?"
Mulder opened his mouth a few times, not able to answer that question.
"Did you think I wouldn't find out, Mulder?"
"How *did* you find out?"
"Does it matter? I *should* have found out from you."
"Yes it matters. I want to know."
"Why the hell should I care if you want to know?"
Mulder ran a stressed hand through his hair, "Scully..."
"Don't bother, Mulder. The Gunmen told me you had been involved, if you must know."
"They told you we'd been *involved*?"
"Luckily marriage records are available to the public. I spent three hours at the local records library this afternoon."
"Looking for anything in particular, Scully?"
"Oh, please, Mulder. Don't give me any crap about invading your privacy. I'd suspected for months. Did you ever plan on telling me about this tiny little detail of your life?" Scully's voice was cold, but her eyes showed how hurt she was.
"I know I should have told you-"
"So why didn't you? Why did you leave me to find out for myself?"
"Will you try and calm down a bit, please?"
"Calm down? Oh, I'm perfectly calm, Mulder. I-"
"Scully, just shut up for a minute. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Diana, okay? I know I should have told you as soon as she appeared, but before she got shot there wasn't really any time. We weren't on the best of terms and we had a small crisis on our hands. I was planning to tell you, I was just trying to find the right moment."
"Mulder-"
"I didn't tell you after that because, I don't know why. I just- there was the small matter of a trip to Antarctica and then I-I didn't want anything else to come between us. When Spender and Diana were assigned to the X-files all hell broke loose. We had been getting on so well, actually making some real progress, and then we were back to arguing again. I know things got better, but I just felt that the slightest thing could set it off again. And this is *not* the slightest thing."
Scully thought about this. She knew were he was coming from, the whole thing with Gibson, the near kiss in his hallway, the 'small' matter of Antarctica and a certain alien virus, their re-assignment... the list went on. She remembered how she had almost left him. She frowned, 'making real progress?' what did that mean?
"All these months..." she was weakening.
He sighed, his anger gone too, "As time went on it just got harder and harder to tell you. I knew it would hurt more with the time that passed, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm *so* sorry, Dana. You have to know that."
She knew. She just wasn't ready to let him know that.
"You're sorry. Well that's just great. I feel so much better now." The sarcasm was back.
"What do you want me to say?"
She didn't know what she wanted to hear, that was the problem. But she wasn't ready to give up her anger quite yet.
"Did you think I'd leave you, Mulder? Do you really think I'm that fickle?"
Mulder laughed. She couldn't believe it, in the midst of all this chaos, all this tension, he actually laughed.
"What the hell is so funny?"
"Scully, fickle is the last thing I think you are." He grew more serious again, "I guess the reason I didn't want to tell you is because I didn't want to hurt you. Again. I didn't want to be the person responsible for any more of your pain. And yes, I was terrified that you'd leave me. After all we've been through together," she knew the same thought passed through both their minds; the hallway, "I knew that honesty is a large part of our relationship. And I wanted to tell you so badly...I was too scared of what might happen if I did."
Scully was deeply touched by this. He didn't want to hurt her. He had hurt her. More than she cared to admit.
"You have hurt me, Mulder."
"I know that. And I'm sorry. I know that actually talking about our feelings isn't a big part of this partnership, and I know that this isn't an easy conversation - argument - whatever, but I care about you, you know that. At least I hope you know that. I guess you do now."
Scully had no idea where he was going with this, but she took a step closer to him. Her want to feel his lips on hers was practically a physical ache now, replacing her earlier stress and anger. "I just hope that you don't think I care about you any less because I didn't tell you, or that I don't trust you. Because to be honest with you - totally honest, I care about you much more than I ever did about Diana. I don't want you to leave because of this, and I hope to god that you don't hate me for it, although I think I'd understand. What I'm trying to say is..." he shrugged, "I don't even know what I'm trying to say."
Scully gave a short laugh as Mulder took her hands in his.
"When I think of all the times you've covered for me when I've 'ditched you' as you put it. Tunguska..."
He didn't get any further, nor did he want to, as Scully leaned up, sick of the stalling, and kissed him...

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Okay, there's stress over with. As you can tell, my state of mind was not good when I wrote that, at least for the first part. I'd calmed down considerably by the end.
Time for the next piece, 'Insomnia'. Or, 'it's 3:34am on Saturday night and I can't sleep.' It was my first all nighter, and I'm almost proud of myself. Or I would be if my head wasn't about to explode. (Think 'Drive')
Severe insomnia taught me a few things:
1) apparently your brain is at it's most active between 2:30 and 3:30 at night.
2) There is *nothing* on the radio between 12 and 6
3) If I hear 'Bittersweet Symphony' by the Verve, or 'Tender' by Blur one more time I am going to kill someone.
4) Britney Spears is *really* nauseating at 4 in the morning.
and 5) it is impossible to write anything but unintelligible scrawl at 3:30.
On with Insomnia now, I think...

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 INSOMNIA!!!

Why the hell did that bee have to have such bad timing? Scully asked herself. It was about 3:30 and that question, amongst others, had been reverberating around in her skull since about 11. She couldn't sleep, and it was really starting to bug her. Why did she have to keep thinking? Why couldn't she just turn her brain off. She'd given up on the radio now, and didn't feel like putting the TV on. She had more or less given up on sleep, however. What's the point? She would only dream about the exact things she was trying not to think about. Mulder was the main thing. He always was. Why was it that he never left her thoughts for a second? She knew the answer to that, alright. What she needed to know was if he felt the same way. Just the thought of actually asking him brought her out in a cold sweat. She couldn't take that risk, even though she was pretty sure he did feel the same way. He wouldn't try to kiss her otherwise, would he?
She just didn't know anymore. The only thing she did know was that she wanted him to kiss her, and it had taken her five and a half years to figure that out. They had been through so much together in those five and a half years, and had grown closer than anyone had ever thought they would. Anyone including herself and Mulder. She certainly hadn't thought she would fall in *love* with him.
But she had. Slowly but surely, the impossible had happened. Somewhere along the line Dana Scully had fallen totally and completely in love with Fox Mulder, her partner. She couldn't believe that she could feel so strongly for someone when they hadn't even kissed yet. But she did, even if she was just willing to admit it to herself now, since the incident in the hallway.
She remembered vividly the expression on his face as he had looked at her after confessing how much she meant to him, every one of the emotions that had ran through her mind as he leaned towards her, the feel of his breath on her face, the fucking bee stinging her just as they were getting so close...
She actually tried not to remember that part. It was almost typical of their bad luck. Very ironic. Eat your heart out Alanis, she thought with a wry grin.
Bad luck didn't even begin to describe it. It didn't begin to describe the number of times each one of them had almost been killed, kidnapped (abducted?), threatened. The number of times someone close to them had been killed or injured, the number of times they had gone to hell and back coming to terms with what had happened, the number of times they had been reprimanded or suspended from work, the number of times the physical ache for Mulder had become almost too much to bear. And then there was Diana... She did *not* want to think about that now. She *really* hated her. Or Krycek, Cancer Man, Kersh, Spender, Deep Throat, X or any of the countless other consortium members. *Think happy thoughts, Dana* she thought. Yeah, right. Like she had any happy thoughts left. She was almost glad Melissa wasn't here to see her now. She would only get a lecture on keeping it all in and a lesson in meditation. *Just tell him, Dana...* That deserved another sarcastic thought of pessimism.
She couldn't very well tell him. Not now, not ever. No matter what Missy would have said. If she only knew how her and Mom were alike. Both full of helpful and not-so-helpful advice that she couldn't ever take. And they both liked Mulder. Margaret Scully adored him, unlike Bill Jr. Yeah, well that was his problem. It's not like he was ever there. Bill Sr would have liked Mulder, she just knew it. He would have admired his convictions, his passion, just as she did. In high school terms Mulder would have been the sort of guy her father would have disapproved of, but she wouldn't have listened. She never did. Yes, Ahab would have liked Spooky.
Speaking of lost family members, that brought her to Samantha. The infamous Samantha Mulder, never far from the mind of her older brother, or for that matter, her older brother's partner. Neither of them would be where they were today if it wasn't for her. Scully wordlessly sent a word of thanks to Sam, wherever she may be. If she was still alive, even. She didn't know why, but she was starting to share Mulder's thoughts that his beloved sister was still alive. If she was, Scully hoped she was happy, and more to the point, well. No matter what Mulder had said about Scully making him a whole person she knew he would never be entirely whole until Samantha was home yet again. His latest tale, of Sam being an alien/human hybrid didn't sound as fantastic as it should have, nowhere near as 'out there' as it would have five years ago. He had seemed more alive since then, re-invested somehow, more determined than ever to discover this conspiracy, to achieve his ultimate goal: to get his sister back.
And then, to add to the long list of grievances put upon them over the years, there was her cancer. Perhaps the worst of all. A fatal disease 'given' to her to make Mulder believe the lie. Or the truth. Who knew anymore? She had hated it, the feeling of being at the mercy of this disease, not in control of her own life. Dana Scully was a person who needed to be in control. Especially of her emotions. Appearing cool and collected to those around her was important to her. Even appearing that way in front of Mulder, although she knew he hated it. He hated being told that she was 'fine', just as much as she hated, but needed to, say it. She would love to just say 'I feel like shit' once in a while, but it would only worry him. And while she in a way liked the fact that he worried about her so much, it also annoyed her.
She liked being independent, and the label 'Ice Queen' suited her just fine. Not that she was an ice queen, her emotions were as real and as painful as anyone else's, if not more so, she just hid it better. Years of moving from town to town, school to school did that to you. She didn't regret in any way the few times she had finally broken down in front of Mulder, and she hoped he knew that. She just didn't want to refer to it. In no way was her life simple.
Scully heard Mulder mutter some expletive or other from the adjoining motel room at the same time as the muted sound of the TV ceased. Apparently she wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping.
She sighed and got out of bed, adjusting her T-shirt and boxers.
"Well aren't you just the little insomniac?" Mulder deadpanned as she walked into the room. She raised an eyebrow at him.
"People in glass houses..."
"Shouldn't have rockeries, yeah, yeah."
Scully smiled as she joined Mulder on the bed.
"Nothing on the TV?"
He gave her a mock-scolding look, "If there's nothing on primetime there'll be nothing on at 3 in the morning now, will there?"
"Mmm. Nothing but rock and 10 year old shit on the radio either. I had my walkman on."
Mulder frowned, "You couldn't sleep?"
She shook her head, "Nah. Every time I tried my thoughts got in the way."
"Any thoughts in particular?"
"Just general 'what-ifs' really. What if I hadn't decided to join the bureau? what if I *had* left? What if I'd never been assigned to you? What if you hadn't rescued me from the Antarctic? What if the damn bee hadn't stung me in the first place? The list goes on."
"Interesting thoughts."
"Mmm."
"Kind of scary too. I mean, if we'd never been assigned together I'd almost certainly be dead and you'd be-"
"Bored," Scully grinned briefly and then shuddered, "Not a nice thought. I don't know what I'd *do* without you."
Mulder shook his head, "If we hadn't been put together I doubt we would ever have met, so you wouldn't have cared if I died."
"I don't know... I've a feeling our paths would have crossed sometime or other."
Their gazes met and locked, "Just another one of those unthinkable thoughts, huh?" Mulder asked.
"Yeah. Like what would have happened if you hadn't escaped from Tunguska."
"If the bee hadn't stung."
"If you hadn't rescued me from Gerry Schnauzer."
"If you hadn't been returned from your abduction."
"If you hadn't convinced me that you were actually Morris Fletcher and he was you."
"If I hadn't interrupted you and Eddie Van Blundht."
Scully shuddered again, "Especially the Eddie Van Blundht thing. Just doesn't bear thinking about."
They both thought about what they were saying for a moment, considering the implications if they went too far with this.
"Seriously though, I meant what I said that day," Mulder gestured with his arm and Scully moved towards him, resting her head on his shoulders, his arm around her.
"You've saved me more times than I care to remember for my ego's sake. I couldn't do this without you."
Scully smiled warmly, a deep, genuine smile that caused Mulder's heart to skip a beat, "I'll ditto that. I seem to recall you saving my life a good few times, too."
Mulder's arm tightened around her shoulders as he spoke, "You wouldn't have needed saving if it wasn't for me."
Scully took Mulder's hand, "Don't start with the guilt, Mulder. None of what has happened was you fault. You know I don't blame you. *At all*."
She watched in quiet fascination as Mulder's thumb caressed the back of her hand, gently moving in circles.
"So you say."
"I mean it. Trust me."
Mulder squeezed her hand, "I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. Before I met you there was-I don't know, it felt like there was something missing. I don't feel that now."
Scully let these words sink in, liking how they sounded and being scared by how good it felt to hear them.
But there was something she felt she had to say, she looked up, "Even when Diana was with you?" She asked, no trace of sarcasm in her voice. It was an honest question, and she was more that slightly terrified of hearing the answer.
Their gazes were locked, her blue eyes boring into his hazel ones. She saw him move from surprise to regret to guilt. They stayed like that for a few seconds, the silent messages going back and forth.
"How did you find out?"
"The gunmen told me that you two had been involved. I kind of figured the rest out for myself."
Mulder bit his lip, looking extremely nervous. Luckily, Scully wasn't in the mood for a fight on the subject of Diana 'die bitch die' Fowley, or Mulder sure as hell would have got one. She was just sad. And disappointed.
"I'm sorry, Dana."
She broke their gaze, choosing instead to look at their still entwined hands.
"I believe you." Nothing more than that simple statement, but it spoke volumes to Mulder. She was hurt. And calmly angry. And tired, as was he. He let out a deep sigh and gently kissed Scully's hair. He knew that this was a time when the Truth was needed. Fast.
"Yes, by the way."
Scully was confused, "Yes what?"
"Yes even when Diana was with me." Mulder tipped up Dana's chin, forcing her to look at him, "I told you that *you've* made me a whole person. Dana, I meant every word. I feel more for you than I ever did for Diana. You have to believe that."
Scully couldn't stop a solitary tear from running down her cheek.
"But you were *married* to her, Mulder."
"It's just a piece of paper and a lump of metal, Dana. I don't even think I knew the meaning of the word *love* back then."
Scully shut her eyes, unable to believe what she was hearing. Mulder kissed her cheek, kissing the tear away. She looked into his eyes at the contact, "Are you saying that you do now?" she asked quietly.
Mulder glanced down to her lips in answer, and then back to her eyes, as if asking permission. There was no need for words. He answered her question as he lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her for the first time...
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And that's the second one done. So which is your favourite? Don't just sit there talking to the computer screen, e-mail me with your opinion at (johkerej@globalnet.co.uk)
Please let me know that it wasn't just a heap of crap brought on by sleep depravation.
Live long and prosper, Bye!
(johkerej@globalnet.co.uk)
(And if you want details of the disastrous pictures organisation, feel free to ask and I'll have a good moan;-))

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Stand your ground, you're big enough
Stand your ground,you know too much
Today drifts into tomorrow
You can almost taste the sorrow
Stand your ground,you've had enough
Lost and found, diamond in the rough
Today drifts into tomorrow
You feel your soul's been borrowed
Ooh...
Stand your ground, the water's deep
Feel the sand, beneath your feet
I know your prayers seem hollow
And when you talk, they follow
Ooh...

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Feedback is welcomed with open arms, but no flames please. My in-box is very sensitive, if not a little neurotic ;-)