TITLE: Random Replies: Selected Scenes
AUTHOR: Beaker
E-MAIL: beakerxf@flashmail.com
DATE: August 25, 1999
SUMMARY: A series of comedic scenes involving
Agent Fowley.
COMMENTS: I wrote these scenes for a friend and thought
they would fit in well at this site. They are part
of a longer fic called "Random Replies". If you're
interested in reading the full version go to:
http://members.xoom.com/beakerxf/stories2/random.txt
CATEGORY/GENRE: Humor/Monty Python Crossover
RATING: PG-13
CLASSIFICATION: CH
SPOILER WARNING: Minor spoilers from all six seasons.
VIOLENCE CONTENT: 1 - minor violence
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: This version is only for the
ADFA. If you want to archive the full version, it
can be found at:
http://members.xoom.com/beakerxf/stories2/random.txt
FEEDBACK: Bronzed and compulsively polished once a day.
DISCLAIMER: Some portions of this X-Files story were based
on dialogue or scenes from Monty Python's The Holy Grail,
Princess Bride, and Clue. I acknowledge, albeit
reluctantly, that I created none of these. I am not
affiliated with MasterCard or Ivory Soap in anyway.
*******************************************************
Random Replies: Selected Scenes
by Beaker
beakerxf@flashmail.com
http://members.xoom.com/beakerxf/table.html
*******************************************************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Beaker learns that as a member of the X-Phile Writer's Guild, she
must be in compliance with the union charter, which reads, "All
fanfic writers are required to produce a minimum of one anti-Fowley
scene." Beaker happily complies.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene Twelve:
[Mulder and Scully spot a mob of barely pubescent shippers heading
towards them. Fowley is tied to a pole carried by the mob.]
Mob: [Shouting] "She's a witch! She's a witch! Burn her!"
Mulder: "Wait a minute! This woman isn't a witch!"
Barely pubescent shipper #1: "No, she is a witch! Look! She has a
black pointy hat and a hooked nose!"
[Mulder examines the nose, but it falls off when he touches it. He
takes a closer look at the hat and examines its price tag.]
Mulder: "The nose was silly putty and the hat was purchased at
Wal-mart. She's clearly an ordinary woman, not a witch."
Barely pubescent shipper #2: "But she is a witch! She turned me
into a noromo!"
[The crowd gasps in shock and gapes at her. She shifts her eyes
nervously from side to side.]
Barely pubescent shipper #2: "But, I got better."
Mulder: "I've known this woman for years. She's not a witch. Back
me up here, Scully."
Scully: "Although I believe she's manipulating Mulder for her own
gain, is essentially a contrived plot device, and overall,
is a human being with no discernible redeeming value, I must
agree with Mulder. She is not a witch."
[Mulder turns and stares at Scully.]
Mulder: [voice dripping with sarcasm] "Please, Scully, don't hold
back. Tell us what you really think."
[Scully folds her arms, purses her lips, and arches an eyebrow.
Mulder turns back to the crowd.]
Mulder: "This woman is not a witch and I'll prove it to you."
Barely pubescent shipper #3: "How?"
Mulder: "Traditionally, individuals suspected of being witches were
thrown into water. If they drowned, they were innocent. If
they floated to the surface, they were a witch."
Barely pubescent shipper #4: "What a great idea! Everyone, to the
Reflecting Pool!"
Mulder: "Wait! I'm not going to try a test where the potential
outcome is death. You don't want Diana to die if she's
innocent, do you?"
[The mob stares back at Mulder in confusion.]
Mulder: "Well, do you?"
Scully [leans into his personal space and whispers] "You've never
been to the Die! Fowley! Die! website, have you?"
[Mulder stares fearfully at the crowd of seemingly innocent
youngsters.]
Mulder: [aghast] "What kind of people would put up websites wanting
people to suffer?!"
[Scully makes a mental note not to tell him about the Mulder Torture
Anonymous Archive.]
Mulder: [addressing the mob] "There will be no Diana killing today."
[Groan of disappointment from the mob.]
Mulder: "And I can prove Diana isn't a witch using a test that works
based on the same principles as the water test."
Barely pubescent shipper #5: "How?"
Mulder: "Witches float, right? What other things float?"
[Mob scratch their heads, eyes scrunched shut with concentration.
Suddenly, one barely pubescent shipper flaps her hands excitedly.]
Barely pubescent shipper #6: "Oh, I know, I know! Wood floats."
Mulder: "Very good, but what else floats?"
[Mob returns to thinking very, very hard.]
Barely pubescent shipper #7: "Um, Ivory Soap?"
Mulder: "Uh, ok. The answer I was looking for was 'duck', but Ivory
Soap will work just as well. If Diana weighs as much as a bar
of Ivory Soap, then clearly, she is a witch."
[Mulder, Scully, and the mob of barely pubescent shippers rush
towards the Senator Joseph McCarthy Scales of Justice Memorial.
Fowley is placed on one side of the scale. A shipper places a bar
of Ivory Soap on the other scale. And.....the scale balances
perfectly. The crowd whoops with excitement, Fowley looks pissed,
and Mulder stands limply, his mouth hanging open in shock.
Scully tackles the look of vindication before it can streak across
her face. She reaches over and closes Mulder's mouth with a finger.]
Scully: [speaking gently] "Come on, Mulder, let's go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Beaker realizes that she misread the writer's guild charter. It
actually states, "All fanfic writers are required to produce a
minimum of one anti-Fowley scene **that results in her death**"
Beaker hurries to comply.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene Twelve and a Half:
[Agent Fowley is walking down the hallway of the J. Edgar Hoover
Building. Suddenly, she suffers a massive coronary and falls over
dead.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Beaker nods in satisfaction. She has done her duty and now is free
to finish her story. From the shadows, a voice is heard.]
Shadowy figure: "Psst....."
[Beaker looks up from her computer.]
Shadowy figure: "You did it wrong."
Beaker: "I what?"
Shadowy figure: "Read the charter again. You did the last scene
wrong."
[Beaker rereads the charter. It says, "All fanfic writers are
required to produce a minimum of one anti-Fowley scene that results
in her **savage and extremely painful** death."]
Beaker: "Well, I'll be damned. How did I miss that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene Thirteen:
[Agent Fowley is walking down the street. Without pausing to look
both ways, she starts to cross the street, only to be plowed down by
a double decker bus. Confused, the bus driver backs up to see what
he had hit. Not seeing anything, he drives forward again and rounds
the corner. Battered and bruised, but still alive, Fowley struggles
to her feet only to be knocked down by a marching band.]
[Once the band passes, Fowley again struggles to her feet but is
run over by the Wisconsin Buttermaid float.]
.
.
.
.
[Closely followed by Shriners in tiny motorized cars.]
.
.
.
.
[A platoon of marines.]
.
.
.
.
[A troupe of bagpipe players.]
.
.
.
.
[A beer wagon pulled by Clydesdales.]
.
.
.
.
[Circus elephants.]
.
.
.
.
[A fleet of tanks.]
.
.
.
.
[Beaker wonders if that will be enough to please the writer's
guild. Just to be safe........]
[In a freak and completely unexplainable accident, a 16 ton anvil
falls from the sky onto the exact spot where Fowley lies.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Beaker rereads the charter one last time just to be certain that
she is *finally* able to move on with her story. Beaker gasps in
dismay. The charter actually reads, "All fanfic writers are
required to produce a minimum of one anti-Fowley scene that results
in her savage and extremely painful death **at the hands of
x-philes**" Will the carnage never end?!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene Fourteen:
[Washington D.C. Stoning Stadium]
.
.
.
[1999]
.
.
.
[Summer]
.
.
.
[Friday]
.
.
.
[Around lunchtime]
[X-philes form long lines, waiting for the chance to purchase stones
from vendors. Every available surface is plastered with advertising
from companies such as Coca-Cola and Visa. Each proudly proclaims
their status as official sponsor of stoning in America. The entire
stadium is buzzing with eager anticipation.]
[Beaker, stoning official, moves to the center of the arena. She
addresses the guards.]
Beaker: "Bring out the prisoner."
[Agent Fowley is placed before the stoning wall.]
Beaker: "Agent Diana Fowley, also known as 'The Fowl', you have been
found guilty of inappropriately using the first name of he who
looks divine when wearing glasses, more commonly known as
Mulder."
Agent Fowley: "What about the other characters who have used his
first name? Are they going to be punished too? What about his
mother? You going to stone her? I feel like I'm being
unfairly singled out."
Beaker: [nervous chuckle] "You think we're unfairly persecuting you?
That's...uh....absurd. In fact, we already stoned all the
other characters this morning. We even stoned Mrs. Mulder."
[Beaker turns to the stone wielding mob.]
Beaker: "Isn't that right? We stoned everyone this morning, didn't
we?"
[The crowd stares back blankly for a moment. Then there is a
collective gasp of comprehension. They all begin to nod their
heads and make sounds of agreement. A tall, gangly x-phile
continues to look confused.]
Tall, gangly x-phile: "No, we didn't."
[Another x-phile elbows him in the ribs.]
Tall, gangly x-phile: "But we didn't!"
Beaker: "That's it! No stoning for you!"
Tall, gangly x-phile: "But..."
Beaker: "Get going!"
[Beaker points to the exit. Tall, gangly x-philes walks dejectedly
out of the stadium.]
Beaker: "Anyone else that doesn't remember the stonings this
morning?"
[The crowd shake their heads emphatically.]
Fowley: "I still don't think this is fair. The punishment is too
excessive. All I said was 'Fox'."
[A stone with a Nike symbol strikes her on the forehead.]
Fowley: "Ow! Hey, we haven't started yet."
[Beaker glares at the crowd.]
Beaker: "Alright, who threw that?"
[Silence]
Beaker: "The stoning will be canceled if I don't learn who threw
that."
[Simultaneously a hundred arms all point at a guilty looking
x-phile.]
Beaker: "Alright, go to the back of the group. Anyone else who
throws a stone before I give the signal will be expelled
from the stoning."
[Beaker turns to address Fowley again.]
Beaker: "The punishment is very appropriate for the crime. Mulder is
only to be called Agent or Mulder. Although, if you're a nun
you can get away with calling him 'punk', but that's it. There
are no other exceptions. He *especially* cannot be called by
his first name. Using his first name implies that you have
been intimate or desire to be intimate with him. If there is
*any* justice in this world you will have never been within a
hundred feet of his bed. Using his first name is also a cheap
way to trick the audience into trusting you, Agent Fowley.
We all know from the earlier witch scene that you are not
at all trustworthy. Ivory soap is never wrong. Finally, using
his first name.....well, it's damned annoying. That, by
itself, is enough to merit a death penalty. So, as you can
see, saying 'Fox' is....."
[A stone hits Beaker upside the head.]
Beaker: [Rubbing the side of her skull] "Alright, who threw that?"
[An angelic looking x-phile steps forward timidly.]
Beaker: "You seem to be confused. See that woman over there?
*She's* the one who we are supposed to stone, not me.
Stoning Fowley.....good. Stoning Beaker.....very, very bad."
Angelic x-phile: "Yes, but you said 'Fox' so....."
[The crowd starts pelting the angelic x-phile with stones.]
Beaker: "Hold it! Stop! There will be no stoning until I give the
signal. Is that understood? Not even if someone says 'Fox'."
[The crowd stones Beaker.]
[Later.....]
[Beaker valiantly drags herself to her computer to continue working
her fan fiction masterpiece. She had heard the expression, "suffer
for one's art", but didn't realize that saying would feel so literal.
She wonders if she writes about painkillers, a bottle will
magically appear......nope, nothing. Damn!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scene Fifteen:
[Mulder and Scully.......]
[Oops!]
[Beaker realizes she forgot the most important part of the previous
scene. She scrolls up the page.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beaker: "Hold it! Stop! There will be no stoning until I give the
signal. Is that understood? Not even if someone says 'Fox'."
[The crowd stones Beaker.]
[The battered Beaker struggles to lift an arm, giving the signal for
the crowd to begin stoning Fowley.]
[And there was much, much rejoicing]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End Selected Scenes
