The Perfect Script
by conspiracy
Rated: TV17
spoilers: none
key words: humor, character death, MSR
Summary: The script for the perfect ep.
The Perfect Script
by conspiracy
((TEASER))
SETTING: the middle of a dark, especially creepy forest.
(DIANA sits alone in the forest, desperately trying to make a fire by
rubbing two rocks together. She is obviously very cold and hungry as she
attempts to eat nearby shrubbery while hugging herself for warmth and
shivering convulsively. You almost feel sorry for her. Almost. When you're
not too busy cackling wildly at her misfortune.)
(Suddenly, a MAN IN BLACK enters the small clearing. DIANA screams as the
MAN IN BLACK removes something from his jacket. The camera pans to DIANA's
horrified face as MAN IN BLACK begins stabbing her with the unknown weapon.
Blood is everywhere. Fade to black.)
((CUT TO X-FILES THEME))
((CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK))
((FADE IN))
SETTING: Basement office of FBI building. MULDER and SCULLY are looking at
slides of DIANA's bloody, slaughtered body lying on the forest floor.
MULDER: (excited) They found her with some internal organs missing and and
sets of three little prong marks covering her body.
SCULLY: (visibly trying to hold back laughter) Prong marks? As in fork
prongs?
MULDER: No, these didn't go that deep. What I think we're looking at here,
Scully, is a spork assault.
(SCULLY begins laughing uncontrollably)
MULDER: What's so funny?
SCULLY: Agent Fowley was... SPORKED TO DEATH?! (begins laughing harder)
MULDER: (with blank expression) I fail to see the humor in a brutal murder,
Scully. Especially the brutal murder of a colleague with a rather blundht,
dull object. To remove her internal organs like that, the sporker must have
been extremely strong-- and extremely patient.
(SCULLY giggles some more)
MULDER: (not paying attention to SCULLY) What kind of sadistic, psychotic
person would *do* something like that? What could have been his motivation?
SCULLY: Who says it was a 'he?' I can think of quite a few times when
sporking Fowley to death sounded quite... appetizing.
(SCULLY giggles at her own pun)
SCULLY: So, Mulder, what kind of spork was it? 'Cause, you know, if it's a
plastic one we could assume the killer recently ate at Kentucky Fried
Chicken.
(SCULLY giggles once more)
MULDER: Scully, this is a murder. Death isn't funny.
SCULLY: (calming down) You're right, Mulder. Death isn't funny. Unless it's
Agent Fowley's death. Unless it's death by spork.
(SCULLY once again begins giggling. MULDER just stares at her blankly)
SCULLY: Hey Mulder, do you realise how ironic it is that Fowley got killed
with a spork? I mean, FOUL-ey, bird, get it? You get sporks at KFC, where
they specialize in FOUL!
(yet another giggling fit)
MULDER: Scully, even though you are making fun of a dead woman who I used to
go out with and who was brutally murdered, and even though I should feel
extremely sad and depressed and blame myself for her death like I do
everything else, and even though we're at work and there's a giant slide
projection of Fowley's mutilated body on the wall, your giggle is still damn
sexy. Wanna do it?
SCULLY: And Mulder, even though I normally would roll my eyes at you right
now, and even though someone could walk into the office any minute and we'd
lose both our jobs, and even though I'm normally not that impulsive and
never admit my feelings, and even though I'm very turned off by that big
projection of Fowley up on the wall-- even if she is mutilated (SCULLY
engages in quick bout of evil laughter)-- I still think *you're* damn sexy,
so sure!
(MULDER and SCULLY begin doing it on the desk. This continues for
approximately 45 minutes with improvised dialogue)
(SKINNER walks in, startled when he sees MULDER and SCULLY doing it)
SKINNER: Agents! What are you *doing*?!?!
MULDER: (pausing in the process of doing it) Has it really been that long,
sir?
MULDER: Don't worry, sir, I think I have something that'll cheer you up.
(SKINNER looks up at MULDER, smiling in anticipation like a little boy on
Christmas. MULDER opens bottom drawer of desk and removes from it a large
box full of video tapes)
MULDER: Here sir, now that Scully and I are doing it, I won't be needing my
videos anymore.
SKINNER: (shocked) But Mulder, you love these videos!
MULDER: It's okay, sir. You need them more than I do. (lowers voice)
Besides, I know about those surveillance cameras you've got set up in here.
Just give me a copy of today's video and we'll call it even.
NARRATOR: And so everyone was happy. Mulder and Scully got to do it all the
time, Skinner thoroughly enjoyed Mulder's videos, and Agent FOULey was
dead. THE END.
