Title: Medieval Methods
Author: X_fairy (x_fairy@gmx.net)
Disclaimer: The X-files belong to CC and Mulder and Scully belong to each other, not to me! No infringement intended!
Rating: R for a bit of cursing and lots of intended violence....
Category: Pure, plain Fowleytorture
Spoilers: tons - lemme see.... Tooms/Squeeze, 2shy, Eve, The Host, Irresistible, The Calusari, Our Town, Syzygy, Pusher/Kitsunegari, Home, Small Potatoes, Bad Blood, Travelers, Folie À Deux, FTF/The Beginning, and any ep with the Alien Bounty Hunter - or Fowley, of course!
Archive: Anywhere, with my name and addy, but please let me know!
Summary: All our favorite MOTWs torture Diana!
Author's notes: I know this is insane. I know I need professional help. But I was in an evil mood, so who cares?
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Medieval Methods
By X_fairy
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"Fox! FOOOOOX!!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!"
That stupid bitch really got on my nerves. What the heck was I doing here anyway? Why on earth ('on earth', yeah - as if this silly little planet mattered for me anyway) had I ever agreed to help that strange group of... mutants? creatures? whatever... when they had approached me. Of course, it had been a piece of cake for me to get her, it would have been way more difficult for any of them - to be able to change your appearance was a definite advantage in human society. But looking like a human also gave me human senses of perception... and there I was back to my original thought - she was damn annoying! "Will you shut the fuck up!"
Her voice rose even higher, "The hell I will! You're gonna let me outta here, you damn... THING!"
Now of course I *am* not human, but that doesn't mean I like to be called a thing. I decided to give her a taste of my real appearance and slowly changed into something that to her eyes looked like a pile of goo. Her shriek became even louder, but now I didn't have to hear it anymore, I only felt the sound waves, and that was not exactly an uncomfortable feeling. I couldn't wait for the others to get their hands on her, if it would only produce more of these wonderful air vibrations.... Sure, it was medieval methods, but I sure as hell didn't care!
But then she unfortunately stopped screaming and started shouting at someone. Believe me, I can feel the difference. Reluctantly, I changed back to human shape to see what was going on.
"Mr. Hartwell! You know you can't hold me in for more than 72 -" she broke of when the sheriff shoved a pizza box in her hand. I laughed. "You wanna eat or starve?"
She glared at me, what only made me laugh harder, but she started to eat. I knew it wouldn't do her any good.
"Can some one PLEASE take over the guard? I'm starting to get tired of her tirades." My tone of voice made it obvious that I wouldn't take no for an answer.
The sheriff nodded with a smile, very irritating because of his large teeth, "Mr. Skur will take your place in a minute..."
And really, Hartwell had hardly disappeared when Edward Skur tapped me on the shoulder. I couldn't suppress a relieved sigh, even though sighing is a typically human attribute. Leaving the room, I heard the last bits of what he said to our victim, "C'mon, honey, gimme a kiss and I'll let you go..." Which of course was a lie, but lovely Agent Fowley was stupid enough to believe him, and a second later I heard her flee to the opposite side of her cell with a horrified scream when she realized what it meant to kiss Edward Skur, or rather *be* kissed by him.
The others were all assembled in another room of the warehouse we had accomplished with the help of Pinker Rawls, business man par excellence. I went over to meet Virgil Incanto, a really nice guy as long as he got his daily dose of fat. Strangely, we had found out that he could quite well live of my blood. I had encouraged him to learn shooting, it made hunting so much easier these days, and he used me as a target and lived off the blood I lost - blood, damn you, I was taking on the human style of speaking!
"Virgil, I think Mr. Skur is trying to get off with your honeybunch..." Virgil had claimed he be the only one to kiss Miss Fowley, but of course Skur had never agreed with this particular point. I wondered what would happen if Incanto and Skur might kiss, but was interrupted by another quarrel between two very different members of our party, Pinker in his natural - i.e. bug - form, and Eve 10, who was only half his size. She insisted on drugging Diana with a bit of Digitalis *before* she was "zombified", while he claimed the latter wouldn't work if she was on drugs.
A second later it became obvious that drugs didn't seem to have the desired effect on her - Skur came running with that little pet bug of his hanging out of his throat, and shouted at the sheriff, "I thought the chloral hydrate was supposed to put her out for a few! What did you fuck up this time, you son of a bitch?"
"I am in no way related to her, if that's what you're implying!" he screamed back, like always missing the point of the question by a hair's breadth. But anyway, this turn of the events was interesting. The pizza she had eaten contained enough chloral hydrate to make her unconscious for several hours. I began to suspect what she might be, and there was only one way to find out for sure. I grabbed Mr. Tooms, who was the only one able to reach her in her current position, and got a small pill out of a little bottle I carried with me wherever I went. It was the only possibility for knocking one of us out without killing them.
Eugene elongated his arm till I thought it would most surely fall of and pulled her to the bars where I shoved the pill down her throat. As I had suspected, she immediately fainted. One thing left to do... this was dangerous in the presence of humans, but that had never really mattered before, hadn't it? "Terri, Margi!" I called. The two girls came running, eager to do our hostage a little harm. "I need you to scratch her till she bleeds."
They did, a bit more than necessary, but no one really cared. I was dumbfounded. I had believed Cassandra to be the prototype, but apparently I had been wrong. Agent Fowley bled green, but her blood behaved like its red equivalent. It wasn't toxic for the girls. Well, that relieved me of the fear we might not be able to... carry out our plan. We could, and now that she was unconscious it was probably the best time to start.
"Mike - you get the first round!" Michael Holvey grinned evilly. Slowly, Diana's body began to drift upwards, accelerating with every inch until she crashed against the roof and awoke with a cry of pain. Awfully slowly, she began to slide down the wall head first and came to a halt three feet above the floor, within reach of everyone, but out of reach of anything helpful to her.
Terri and Margi, eager to finish what they had started, staggered towards her, in their hands a box of pins. "You in pain, Miss Fowley?" Margi asked sweetly. "You know, there's this new Chinese method with needles..." She emptied the box on the floor below Diana's head, and while the girls began to laugh hysterically, screaming their favorite slogan, "Hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her!" the pins flew towards Diana's face, puncturing her cheeks, nose and forehead. She couldn't scream with her teeth crunched together. It didn't do real harm, only very tiny drops of blood began to trickle down her face.
Terri and Margi were having a hard time calming down. Still giggling, they retreated. Margi uttered, grinning, "The next, please!"
The next candidate was probably the most unusual looking of our company - excluding me in my natural form of course. When Diana saw him, her eyes widened. "But... but the file said... you were dead!"
It had been a huge surprise for me that he could actually speak. He was more human than we had thought - and more worm, as his words showed, "You forget I'm half fluke worm, Miss Fowley - cut a worm in half and you get two." His voice was deep and throaty. "Can you turn her over, Mike?"
She moved a few inches away from the wall only to turn to her stomach and crash against it again with a cry of pain, as well as horror when she realized what he had in mind, "NOOOOO!!!!!!! FOOOOOOOX!!!!!!!!"
She screamed in a high pitched voice while he bit her, only a few short seconds. Then his face crunched, he spit out a part of her blouse and said with disgust, "Never heard of deodorant, have ya?"
Meanwhile the next contestant had prepared his addition - not even Edmund Peacock wanted Diana as the mother of his children, therefor he had thought of something else - he had brought along every single cockroach detectable in his new home outside of Home, and already spread them on the floor. "Down, Mike."
Michael grinned and dropped her from the wall, in the middle of the nasty insects. They immediately began to invade her, and she began to scream again, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOOOX!!!!!! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
And a moment later he came storming in, pushing all of us aside, "Here I am Diana!! What's wrong?" Then he saw the cockroaches and jumped back. "Eeeeeeeeeek! You could have at least warned me that these monsters were waiting for me! Ugggghhh!" and gone he was again. I followed him to the hallway and, after making sure the door was closed, thanked Eddie Van Blundht for his amazing performance. When I came back, Diana was still shouting at him, "Not you too, Fox!!!! How can you let me down like this! I trusted you!!!!"
I gave out an annoyed groan, "Can someone please silence her?"
Virgil was ideal for this. He bowed down over her and smiled, "Gimme a kiss?"
In apparently bad memory of Skur's kiss, she tried to wriggle away, but we held her in place, and soon her mouth was too full of her own fat tissue to even whisper. She stared at us, absolutely horrified. I grabbed her wrists, "Sit up a bit, Miss Fowley." The only good this did was to allow Pinker access to her neck. I smiled inwardly - what was it with necks? For me too, the neck was the only vulnerable spot...
At the same moment, Bob Modell crouched down next to her, speaking in his most soothing voice. "Listen to me, Diana. Everything's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be okay. You're gonna swallow this thing in your mouth. I know you can do it. C'mon, I know you can." Her eyes communicated the relief to find one sensible man among this crazy group. Apparently she hadn't read this particular file...
She actually managed to swallow the fat in her mouth, and Bob handed her a can of Coke one of the Eves had given him. She eyed it suspiciously, but he convinced her to drink it - and of course that was her end. The dose was very nearly deadly, but we didn't want her to miss the best. Digitalis worked better than chloral hydrate, and she was unconscious in seconds.
Bob smiled, "Your patient, Donnie."
Donnie Pfaster knelt down to claim Diana's hair and nails, but apparently he had forgotten to bring scissors or tongs. He waved over the alien. I uttered a disgusted groan. Man, was I lucky to be immune to this! But the thing was almost as useful as Edward Scissorhands. In minutes, Donnie had the hair and fingers off. Next, the alien sliced open Diana's stomach, to allow Eugene easier access to her liver. Going slow was only useful as long as she was awake. When he had helped himself to what he needed, we left the rest of her to the very nice townsfolk of Dudley, Arkansas - she still wasn't dead, but I doubted she'd wake up again... too bad, I'm sure she'd like to be cooked in a real nice rusty iron pot...
That was it, as far as I was concerned. They'd take care of the bones. I took the kids home and prepared for a bit of anger from my boss' direction when he heard she was dead - oh well, a few more cigarettes than usual, and it would be forgotten. A few weeks later I heard from him that her bones had been found in his backyard - bet he had a hard time convincing the police that he had nothing to do with it...
